Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.

McCain “elderly,” say experts

WASHINGTON—Amidst the hype of an historic democratic race, another historic candidacy has been largely ignored. If elected, Senator John McCain will be the oldest to ever serve as POTUS. “This is a true milestone for the American people,” said one McCain spokesperson. “Finally, we can be proud that we've completely healed the wounds of our shamefully ageist past.”

“McCain displays all the earmarks of an elderly man,” says one expert. “He says 'Warshington' in stead of Washington, he has telltale Sunni, Shiite confusion, he doesn't understand modern gadgets or economies and he experiences frequent and sudden urges to go to war.”

“This election is really going to be a referendum on change,” he continues. “Will we be able to overcome our prejudices and elect a doddering seventy-two-year-old? We can only hope.”

“Contrary to the conventional wisdom,” says the McCain spokesperson. “The Senator's advanced age may work in our advantage this fall. He's the candidate of experience—that and he's white. I mean, that's huge for us. An old white man is the kind of audacious change Americans can believe in.”

Recently, and very briefly, released personal medical documents have confirmed that McCain is in fact quiet decrepit.

“Say experts” headline panned by area satire critic

BUFFALO—A local headline has left one reviewer reeling. “Yeah, good work,” scoffs satire critic Ian Murphy. “Keep it up and some day you'll have a job at The Onion or 'The Daily Show'—as the janitor, you fucking hack!”

And no one else cares.

Other headlines:
Local child plays video game,YouTube video confirms
World community producing fewer news items to sustain 24/7 presidential election coverage
Africa still exists
Man honors fallen heroes with empty gesture
Biofuels: Can we eat them?

Opinion:
Once a Sherpa, always a Sherpa
Toddlers threaten the Status quo
Zionism's the new iPod
I don't think anyone reads this blog

Here at The BEAST, we work hard to lampoon the serious issues that affect you, the reader, most. We can’t do this without your support. Last issue’s fund drive was a greatly moderate success! So, keep the generosity going gang, and subscribe, donate or advertise today!


The BEAST needs your help more than ever. Donate any spare thyroid gland, and receive a handsome BEAST tote bag! Seriously, we need a thyroid gland or Uthman may die.


Send thyroid glands to: The BEAST 712 Main St. Buffalo, NY 14202

Cover image by Mike Pfleger

You sent me a very kind e-mail in support of my troop hating ways. I intended to write back and thank you, but I accidentally erased it. So, thanks for the e-mail. That is all.

-Ian Murphy

Predictably enough, Ian's article, "Fuck the Troops," has elicited some outrage among right-wing bloggers. In fact, a lot of outrage. There has been much posting of our address, pictures, website info, and even overhead pictures of our location. Explicit incitements to violence and death threats are too numerous to list here. Classy bunch, these conservatives. Apparently, the randomly selected Google advertisers featured here will be getting some letters.

But what really has us upset is that some tech-challenged dumbass at Little Green Footballs--a popular Neocon blog named after boogers--posted a warning that our website was riddled with viruses, hamstringing the controversy as it began. The tragic outcome was that when Free Republic.com, the white whale of Right Wing retardation on the internet, posted the link, it was taken down just as the outrage was brewing. Additionally, nearly every other blog post about it contains the spurious virus warning.

We want to stress to both our fans and our aspiring assasins: We have checked it out thoroughly, and there's no fucking virus on our site. What happened to this guy is simple: He had downloaded a trojan from somewhere else--most likely porn-related--which was triggered when he clicked on a link to paypal from our site.

So, to be clear: There is no trojan virus on our website. There are trojan viruses, however, which lay dormant on your PC until you access Paypal.com, triggering them, presumably to record and transmit your personal info. So, if someone were to click the "donate" or "subscribe" buttons on our site, which link to Paypal, it would trigger such a virus, just as any link to Paypal on any website would. By the way, this still wouldn't work if you used Firefox instead of IE.

Again, no viruses, scout's honor. So please, Freepers, come back! Oh, and by the way, thanks for empowering us to speak for half the people in the country! Boy, is Obama gonna be surprised when he finds out what he thinks!

Labels: beast love, freepers, media, meta, Republicans, troops

Check out the hilarious exchange beginning here at the Huffington Post between our pal Matt Taibbi and annoying c...er...Hillary Clinton supporter, Erica Jong.

Hillary's making shit up again to pull at the heart-strings of her dedicated female constituency. In this video she claims to have "walked into my dorm room and took my book bag and hurled it across the room. It felt like everything had been shattered, like we would never be able to put the pieces together again." But wait a minute. This was the sixties. I've seen Animal House, they didn't have book bags back then! Some geeks like Hillary might have had briefcases but not what we would consider "book bags." The bitch is just making it up as she goes along.

Army Specialist Christopher Simpson, 23, was killed Monday when his convoy hit a roadside bomb in Baghdad. His father Scott Simpson, a first sergeant with the Air National Guard, told The Post-Standard of Syracuse this about his deceased son, "He's a kid a parent dreams about. I knew the military was going to be a good thing for him. I have no regrets."

I got this via Scholars and Rogues. Apparently if Saint Obama isn't anointed by his chosen party then his followers are going "to be throwing stones." Can't image what evil would come if they were deprived of their "transportation -- cell phones -- disposable income -- the Internet -- free time."

There is also the hope, er...I mean threat, that Iraq War vets are "ready to rock 'n' roll. We've already had planning meetings about it -- we're going about it the same way that we would plan any decent military operation."
.

Question: When will people stop being morons?
Answer: Never.

Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett claims his recovery from a life-threatening spinal-cord injury is “God’s doing.”

The efforts of the crack physicians at Ralph Wilson Stadium or Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital had nothing to do with it, apparently, nor did the scientific advancements made in treating traumatic spinal injuries. Makes you wonder why he went to a hospital at all. His recovery would have been swifter had he simply gone to church. Dumb jock.

And if God healed Everett, why did he break his neck in the first place? Because he’s a twat of infinite proportions? Or did the Devil break his neck? Or was it microscopic aliens? Or was it a fierce helmet to helmet collision with a Denver Bronco? Hmm… one of life’s mysteries.

Bonus Question: What the hell is a “Buffalo Bill?”

Answer: Nobody knows.

To help you mourn, check out Taibbi’s classic critique of the conservative cunt (the ironing is delicious).

One more reason to be suspicious of men who wear flowing gowns and believe in idiotic religious fairytales.

“Let me get to you know you—biblically.”
- Local pervert Rev. A.W. Moldenhauer

New Drudge picture:

Clinton on the photos: “Shame on you, Barack Obama! Meet me in Agrabah!”

Obama’s rebuttal: “Yes, I have a flying carpet. Michelle and I use it frequently. It’s awesome.”

John McCain’s fiery condemnation: “That is pretty awesome. But can you bang a lobbyist on it? These critical national security questions remain unanswered. My arms hurt.”

This is a scandal? You have to be fucking kidding me.

MSNBC'S DAVID SHUSTER: But doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?

The answer is, yes it does. Why? Because the Clintons have been oh so very protective of their Chelsea for so long and she has been doing the same for herself by trying to maintain a low key persona and then she's on MTV and the like uncomfortably mumbling how much she loves her mommy and thinks she will be such a swell prez. Jesus H. Fucking Christ! Got any idea where the impetus for the change came from? That's right, the whores that she calls mommy and daddy pimped her the fuck out.

Check out the excellent post on Stop Me Before I Vote Again (revised link takes you directly to the post I refer to) referencing an LA Times article about a common sense approach to the sub-prime mortgage/real estate bubble ramifications. I have always thought that the “a man’s house is his castle” thinking was the creation of some serious exploitative planning. If more people were able to get their head around adopting an ethos of fuck this and walk away from the suburban albatross I think that we would all be much better off. What would the downside of financial collapse be for the already over-worked and out of touch common man be? It would be big problems for the slave-traders no doubt. The more it is worse for them the better it is for the rest of us. Why not get back to basics and let the financiers hang?

If you haven’t checked out SMBIVA you’ve been missing something. Although it has lost a little consistency of late due to other demands on its two primary bloggers, Michael Smith and Owen Paine, it nevertheless offers many a keen insight at times. They have a beautiful disdain for Daily KOS, Democratic Underground and their ilk that I always find refreshing.

Any other President, any other administration, and this wouldn't bother me so much. Well, it probably wouldn't.

Check out the Washington Post's front-page preview on Bush's state of the union address tonight:

For years, President Bush and his advisers expressed frustration that the White House received little credit for the nation's strong economic performance because of public discontent about the Iraq war. Today, the president is getting little credit for improved security in Iraq, as the public increasingly focuses on a struggling U.S. economy.

That is the problem Bush faces as he prepares to deliver his seventh and probably final State of the Union address tonight.

"Probably final?" Probably?

I'm hoping Michael Abramowitz and his editors are either more careless, or a lot funnier, than I thought. The third alternative is too much to contemplate.

Labels: Abramowitz, Bush, domestic fascism, WaPo

Romney celebrates MLK day by hanging out with the blacks, looking very uncomfortable, and asking them "Who Let the Dogs out."




So... inappropriate...

Labels: elections, Mormons, racism, Republicans, Romney

Matt was on "Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday night, earning him some extra heat from Writer's Guild strikers & supporters who were already miffed he appeared on Colbert the other night. I guess I can see why WGA strikers would be pissed, but I'm not about to strike Stewart/Colbert or Taibbi off my forces for good list.

And, actually, I'm not sure I get it at all. I mean, Taibbi didn't do any writing for either show, so it's not like he's a scab. And if it's about crossing the picket line to get paid, isn't every member of the crew on these shows equally guilty?

Anyway, Matt was good on Maher, although he got little face time, while professional bullshit emitter Tony Snow employed his elite training as Fox News talk show host and White House Press Secretary, interrupting, filibustering, and making absurd claims.

Taibbi's introduction and most of his face time here:



Matt managed to cut through Snow's wall of crap on the war briefly, starting at about 2:45 in this video:




Here's Matt on Colbert, while I'm at it:



(Note: No writers were paid during the upload of these videos.)

Labels: bill maher, Matt Taibbi, stephen colbert, tony snow, video, wga

Somebody made one of those "enhanced reading" youtube videos--you know, like you can only read a short bit of text if it's set to bad music and interspersed with pictures, and delivered at about one sentence per 15 seconds--using part of our Most Loathsome entry for Dinesh D'Souza.

I never understand why people make these things, but, uh, cool I guess.

Labels: beast love, religion

The way I see it, this woman is our most likely route to another terribly damaging Republican administration.

It's frustrating, because it seems pretty clear that if Edwards were to drop out, Obama would have crushed her.

On the other hand, someone made a decent argument for supporting Edwards to me the other day. It goes like this: Even if you doubt Edwards' sincerity (which I do), you should still support him, because his anti-corporate message is vitally important, and we should send a message to other politicians that those issues can work for them, that they can get elected by swearing to confront and defeat corporate power. So even if Edwards is bullshit, we should fall for that bullshit, as opposed to other brands of bullshit. If you think about it, it actually makes sense.

On the other hand, Obama's just a better bullshitter.

Some observant, tireless Fox News viewer has caught Republican language guru Frank Luntz recycling "undecided voters" on his post-debate Fox focus groups:

Labels: bullshit media

Now that Obama is strengthening as a front-runner, the question becomes: What kind of evil bullshit is lurking on the right for him? To answer this question, I ventured into the slimy depths of freerepublic.com, and found this:

So if obama is christian, where does he get his unusual name?

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I think there may be some credibility to the e-mails. His past is certainly not normal; nor is his name.

-----

I think you are right on - Osama Obama is very dangerous. Why else did he go to a moslem camp in Indonesia?

-----

Since Obama was born to a Muslim father - that made him a Muslim..
If Obama has "renounced" Islam, and REALLY, TRUTHFULLY and PUBLICLY renounced Islam -- then he is in big trouble...as an apostate the sentence is DEATH.

Please notice -- there has been NO FATWAH to kill Obama for his renunciation of Islam!!!!
Amazing huh.......until you look deeper.

Key Islamic Clerics, the Koran, Muhammad himself and the history of Islam state and demonstrate that Muslims may LIE in any manner necessary to "protect or further the goals of Islam".....

http://www.answering-islam.org/Index/L/lying.html

Certainly, gaining the Senate seat and the White House would be worthy goals to allow a Muslim to PRETEND he is a Christian...

Given this "Holy License" to lie --- it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to take a Muslim's word on ANYTHING - IF HE IS A PIOUS MUSLIM INTENT ON YOUR DESTRUCTION.

-----------

Osama Obama is lying.He knows that I Slam is like the Latin Kings.Once you’re in you’re in for life.

--------------

he is his own sleeper cell.

---------------

Were he president, I would be VERY concerned with any emotional or real connection to islam, or being a muslim.

The rearrangement of military dispositions and foreign policy(s) would benefit the muslim world greatly, and specifically the arab part of it.

------------------

Of course, he is. His father was Muslim, and, as I understand it, by Islamic law that makes Barack Obama a Muslim. Although the father later became an atheist, once a Muslim always a Muslim. I don't question Barack's veracity. He says he's a Christian, so I have no reason to doubt that he is. But according to Islamic law, he is a Muslim. I am mostly concerned about the fact that billions of Muslims around the world would see him as our first Muslim President.

-------------

BINGO !

He never practiced.....

Muslims can LIE... but they won’t DENY.... Islam.

He IS the “Mecca Candidate”.

--------------

Well if we get a Commissar Hillary, we don’t get Sharia. If we get a Commissar Obama, we get Sharia.

----------

If he "converted", then what "was" he before the conversion? It is quite clear he was a Muslim, and that if elected, there is a strong likelihood he would re-convert to Islam.

------------

Well actually according to Muslim law,the children of a Muslim are Muslim and to say you are not results in the old neck meets sword.

------------

So that's it: Obama is an evil Muslim sleeper terrorist. This is going to be ugly.

Why would it matter whether Benazir Bhutto was killed by the bullets her assassin fired, or the force of the explosion when he blew himself up?

Just a few from the many. The Bush-tard critiques are getting thinner and thinner on substance and heavier on "liberal liberal liberal"-type meaninglessness:

That site is incredible. (4+ / 0-)

Recommended by:
Aethern, Fabian, ER Doc, dogheaven

It's like The Onion came back from the dead, mated with the Yesmen, and had a child who was adopted by Charles Bukowski.

by I on Sat Dec 29, 2007 at 04:48:04 AM PST

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/12/29/62052/460/647/427512

----------------

—–BEST BLOG COMMENT OF 2007 , HANDS DOWN !!! ——-

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2007/12/29/mikes-blog-round-up-555

-----------------

# 1 | milkshake | December 29, 2007 8:48 AM

It is quite annoying that there are so many lousy TV hosts on the "most loathsome" lists - but there is no CEO of a major pharma company. While keeping lower public profile, they have wrought far-reaching damage to pharma industry and US healthcare.

http://scienceblogs.com/principles/2007/12/links_for_20071229.php

------------

That list of the most loathsome, reprehensible people of 2007 made me sick. I wish I had never read it. Who are those nasty, angry, yucky, mean, religion bashing, all hating jerks who wrote that list? Sometimes people suck. Honestly, that list sort of murdered all the warm-fuzzies I have been feeling towards life and people in the last few weeks.

Posted by: Dre at December 27, 2007 5:24 PM

http://www.pajiba.com/pajiba-love-122707.htm

-------------------

OK I went back since the beginning with this guy and for the fun of it forwarded the years of rambling AND raving to 2 psychologists (one that lives in my house) along with my own opinions I came to several conclusions the author is:

1. A Bush hater and any one that is/was/or ever thought to be involved with bush is hated including his mother who bore him.

2. Hates all democrats that don’t hate Bush.

3. Hates all women that are powerful and successful.

4. Hates all men who are powerful and successful.

5. Hates all women that are good looking.

6. Hates all men that are good looking.

7. Hates all male and female that are financially well off.

8. Hates all that are religious (even throws in Jesus)

9. Never makes ONE mention of anything wrong with Bill Clinton.

Makes (and I counted) numerous homosexual and/or unnatural sex act references.

Summation: Fudgepacker, Clinton do boy.


NOT SO CLOSETED HOMO, HATER OF MOST GOVERNMENT OTHER THAN CLINTON, HATER OF ALL RELIGION AND OBSESSED WITH ANAL AND ORAL PUNISHMENT.

http://www.v-twinforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=116849&page=2

==============

Posted By: tireddaddy | December 30 2007 at 01:41 AM

Loved the author's comments about Bush & Cheney. Pissed me off though when he included The Troops on the list. I hate this damn war but it's not their fault. Bet the author was one of those who spit on the troops returning from Vietnam. Spit on the rich men who get richer off of war not the poor souls who pay with their lives.
What an ass!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/mlasalle/detail?blogid=38&entry_id=23034#comments

-------------

Morgan Walker wrote:
28. The Troops



WTF... I stopped after I read that, this obviously is written by someone that has not stepped outside his room at his mommy's house for the last 35 years. Not worth reading in my opinion...


Big +1 there.

Glad to see that he appreciates all that is sacrificed so he can write this crap behind some phoney name. People were buying their own armor...they were told they're not allowed to use it. Honestly who does this guy think he is? Evil or Very Mad

http://mp-pistol.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=9709

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Man, I was so ready to shoot this one down, I mean, I had my double barreled, sawed-off snark special loaded with buckshot and I was going to murderthis link.

Then I read it, and damn. They really put voice to a couple of my opinions, and in the case of number 9, knocked it out of the park.
posted by quin at 2:27 PM on December 28

This is the worst of the web.

I disagree, this is the worst America has had to offer the world for the past year or so, writing about it just brings it out into the open and makes people aware of it. And if you read closely, a lot of the awful things that are on this list can only have happened because too many people in the United States willfully ignore the things being done in our name.

This isn't the worst of the web, this is a depiction of the worst of ourselves, and it needs to be writ large and broadcast across the web to the world, if for no other reason, than to tell everyone that we know these fuckers exist, and not all of us support their antics.

Hell, I want pointed, incisive commentary like this every day, in the main stream media. I want statements like this to be the primary perspective the average American has of their politicians, because I want to go back to a time when we didn't trust those in power, and they had to really work to screw us over, rather than just having us roll over whenever they asked for it.
posted by quin at 3:31 PM on December 28 [12 favorites]

Man. The only thing worse than pompous, judgmental, ostentatiously verbose bloggers is pompous, judgmental, ostentatiously verbose bloggers who get it completely spot on.
posted by googly at 5:05 PM on December 28 [3 favorites]

Sentence fragments that would have been better off in a bulleted list, yet are somehow long and disjointed enough to justify placing in paragraph form. The syntactical embodiment of attention-deficit disorder. The complete lack of structure. No verbs in some fragments. Like reading the resume of a douche bag that dropped out of college but wants to impress you with their life experience.

Punishment: Anal rape with the Oxford English Dictionary. The unabridged version.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:25 PM on December 28

Every year it's funny, and every year the genteel chickenshit handholders here cry about it because apparently it's not nice to make fun of the rich and evil.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:58 AM on December 29 [2 favorites]


These are, as always, uniformly awesome. I can never figure out why people hate these lists unless they are one of the people loathed, or have tremendous personal investment in one of them.
posted by JHarris at 1:20 PM on December 29

http://www.metafilter.com/67772/The-50-Most-Loathsome-People-in-America-2007
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